I've been really sad lately. It hurts to breath and I just have to live through this pain that makes me want to rip out my insides and throw them away in hopes the pain dulls. Not that it stops, just becomes a little easier to get out of bed. I feel alone, I feel stupid, why did I ever think that I could have friends and it be easy and fun? Stupid, I hate myself a lot. I even say that I hate myself a little more to my friends as joke and they think I'm kidding. When I'm not, and I'm worried that one day the hate will be too much and I'll be done.
I just feel like that friend gets dragged around out of pity. I don't want to feel like that, I want to be happy and feel like included.
I just want to be wanted, isn't that what anyone has ever wanted?

Huston

There's this guy that goes to my school. Ill call him Huston. He is one of the hottest guys I have ever seen, not only that-hes extremely kind and a sweetheart. He smokes pot and cigs, but that doesn't bother me. Those sort of things never do, we always make really awkward eye contact, mostly because I can't help myself to look at him every time I walk by. I don't think that he will ever go for me though because, well if you saw me you would understand. And one of my friends Beth, used to talk to him. I don't want to over step her you know?

School Bitches!

Summers over. For me, I only have 2 days left until I have to return to that hell hole. I hate school, not learning. I hate the people, everyone is really clicky, and no one is safe. When I started out in grade 9 I had some grand thought of what I thought high school would be like, I thought it would be like the movies...I thought I would be friends with everyone and everyone would be friends with me. We would have parties and make memories and just have the "high school experience" that you saw in the films. But it isn't true, and it's not like that. It's a lot harder and honestly isn't all that fun. Everything is an uphill battle at the school I go to, and once you get sucked in you'll never get out. The school I go too, I'll call St.Marks. I go to a catholic school so I wear a uniform and we have causal days. Which are the worst, they aren't causal!! Everyone dresses like they're going to the met gala! After a month of wearing uniforms the last thing I want to do it to put on a fancy outfit that restricts my movement!!! I don't know, I just don't really understand why movies would portray such  a beautiful and wonderful experience, when in reality, it reminds me of a nightmare.  

My life.

Hey,
I want to make this blog about me, and my life without giving too much away, like who I am. The names in the things I tell you on here will change. But the stories will be real. I just wanted an outlet, that I wouldn't tell anyone I knew about, where I could write about everything that I felt and I would know that no one I knew would read it and judge me for the things that I was writing. So, heres to you my future readers...I hope!
Monty